Furious 7: Everything Explodes (A Statler & Waldorf Review)

Furious-7If movies can be spoofed, why can’t reviews? In the spirit of dialogue, I’m going to be doing a review a la The Muppets’ Statler and Waldorf.

Statler: Is that guy, The Rock, inflated? Like, do they blow up his arms in between shots? Vin Diesel can’t act but at least he looks semi-human.

Waldorf: I don’t know. Maybe it’s that HGH. But the thing is, his fights with Jason Statham’s baddie were the highlights of the film.

Statler: You know “highlights” are hard to come by in this film, because there are no lowlights. It stays consistently at NOS- level speeds throughout.

Waldorf: I thought I was going to be sick when they dropped those cars out of that plane. Did you know that was a real stunt, no CGI? And that bus hopping scene by Paul Walker was done in real-time by a stuntman, too?

Statler: First off, you’d never get me on no plane. Ha ha, BA Baracus and all that. Secondly, while those stunts were spectacular, that’s not much of Walker in that film. You know the poor man died in a car wreck, right?

Waldorf: I thought they did a remarkable job remembering the man at the end. Brought a tear to my eye.

Statler: You cried?

Waldorf: Harumph. Of course, not (sniffle). Speaking of crying, some of that dialogue made me want to cry. When I wasn’t laughing, it was terrible. Laugh out loud funny at times. Other times, it felt like they were forced to write something in between stunts.

Statler: Carhopping from building to building. Mission Impossible Next Best Thing eat its heart out right there.

Waldorf: It’s about as realistic. Who drops a fully loaded shotgun to let Statham tee off on him like Tiger’s clubs? Seriously, you have to suspend reality to find this one entertaining.

Statler: Were we watching for the story? Seems like we could’ve seen The Longest Ride if we were going for the story. I went to see if Ronda Rousey could fake fight better than Gina Carano. Apparently she can’t handle the keys as well as Michelle Rodriguez.

Waldorf: Ha, some kind of ebony and ivory, that one! Tony Jaa’s cameo was the best fighting we saw outside of Statham’s. Maybe next time they’ll just make Fast & Expendable 17 and get it over with. Stallone can wheelchair himself off the building into a helicopter over a wave through a tunnel without getting up.

Statler: I think you’re on to something. Can we copyright that?

Love it? Hate it? Blame Steve Norton. It was all his idea. 

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About Jacob Sahms

I'm searching for hope in the midst of the storms, raising a family, pastoring a church, writing on faith and film, rooting for the Red Sox, and sleeping occasionally. Find me at ChristianCinema.com, Cinapse.co, and the brand new ScreenFish.net.
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